The Church Did
This to Me

There is something I need to say

And I need to say it clearly. The church hurt you. Maybe not all of it. Maybe not everyone. But somewhere, at some point, the church was the source of your wound. And that wound is part of why your faith is falling apart.

I am not saying this to bash the church. I love the church. I believe she is the body of Christ, the family of God, the community of the Holy Spirit. I also believe she is full of broken, wounded, sinful human beings who hurt each other constantly. And sometimes that hurt is devastating.

Today, I want to name what the church did. Not to make you angry. Not to confirm your suspicion that it was all a sham. But to help you understand the wound so it can begin to heal.

The Hurt We Do Not Talk About

Church hurt is real. It is common. And it is almost never talked about. Why? Because we are supposed to forgive. Because we are supposed to remember that the church is made of sinners. Because we are supposed to focus on the good and not the bad.

All of those things are true. But they are also an attempt to silence you. To make you feel guilty for feeling hurt. To make you feel like your pain is not valid.

Your pain is valid. What was done to you was wrong. And it is okay to say that.

Let me name some of the ways the church hurts people. See if any of these sound familiar.

You were told you were going to hell if you did not believe the right things. You were told you were not spiritual enough if you did not speak in tongues. You were told your depression was a lack of faith. You were told your questions were dangerous. You were told to submit to leaders who were abusive. You were told to stay in marriages that were destructive. You were told to vote the way the church told you. You were told that your doubt was rebellion.

And when you spoke up, when you pushed back, when you asked questions, you were silenced. You were shunned. You were labelled as divisive. You were told you were attacking the church.

The Specific Wounds

Let me get more specific. The church has wounded people in specific ways. And these wounds are part of what is driving the deconstruction.

Spiritual abuse. When leaders use their position to control, manipulate, and harm. When you are told that questioning authority is rebellion. When you are told that if you leave, God will not use you anymore. When you are told that your gifts are from them and without them, you have nothing.

Hypocrisy. When leaders say one thing and do another. When they preach generosity and live in excess. When they preach humility and act in pride. When they preach love and practice judgment.

Exclusion. When you do not fit the mold, you are pushed out. When you question, you are labeled a troublemaker. When you are different, you are not welcome.

Shame. When your struggles are made public. When your sins are used against you. When you are defined by your worst moments.

Control. When the church tells you who to vote for, who to marry, where to live, what to watch, what to read, how to dress, how to think.

All of these are real. All of these have caused real damage. And all of these are part of why you are where you are today.

The Way Through

So how do you heal from church hurt? How do you move through this wound?

First, name it. What we have done so far. Do not minimize it. Do not excuse it. Name it for what it is. It was wrong. It caused real damage. You are allowed to say that.

Second, grieve it. You lost something when the church hurt you. You lost community. You lost belonging. You lost the version of God they represented. Grieve that loss. It is real.

Third, decide what to do with it. You do not have to go back. You do not have to pretend it did not happen. But you also do not have to stay bitter. You can acknowledge the hurt and choose what comes next.

The church hurt you. That is real. But the church is also not the whole of God. There is a kingdom beyond the institution. There is a God beyond the building. There is a faith beyond the fellowship.

Tomorrow, we are going to talk about the questions. The big questions that deconstruction forces us to face. They are hard, but they are worth asking.