My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish?
Psalm 22:1He entered Jericho and was passing through. A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy. He wanted to see who Jesus was, but because he was short he could not see over the crowd.
Luke 19:1-3If you are reading this, something has happened
Your faith, the thing that used to feel solid, the thing that used to hold you up, has started to shake. Maybe it happened suddenly. Maybe it has been slowly crumbling for months. Maybe you woke up one morning and realized you do not believe anymore. Or maybe you still believe something, but you are not sure what.
I want you to know something before we go any further. You are not crazy. You are not backslidden. You are not failing. You are in the middle of one of the most difficult experiences a person can have, and you need someone to tell you that what you are feeling is real, and valid, and human.
This series is for you. It is for anyone whose faith is shaking. It is for anyone who has questions they cannot ask. It is for anyone who feels like they are losing something precious and do not know how to stop it.
What Is Happening to You
Let me name what is probably happening to you. You wake up and something feels different. The prayers that used to sustain you feel empty. The Bible that used to be alive feels like a foreign book. The God you used to know feels distant, or absent, or worse, like a fiction you have been telling yourself.
Maybe you went through something traumatic and God did not show up. Maybe you saw too much hypocrisy in the church. Maybe your questions got too big and no one could answer them. Maybe you learned something that shattered your worldview. Maybe you just woke up one day and realized you do not believe anymore and you do not know how to tell anyone.
All of these are valid. All of these are real. And all of them are part of what is called deconstruction.
Deconstruction is not a bad word. It is not a sin. It is not a phase. It is the process of taking apart the beliefs you were given to see if they are true. And sometimes, they are not. Sometimes the beliefs you were given were wrong. Sometimes they were harmful. Sometimes they were just not big enough to hold the world you actually live in.
What It Feels Like
Let me describe what deconstruction feels like. It feels like the ground is moving underneath you. It feels like you are losing your identity. It feels like you are grieving a death, but the person who died is you. It feels like everyone around you is moving forward in their faith and you are moving backward, or sideways, or in some direction that has no name.
It feels lonely. Because you cannot talk about it. Because if you tell people you are doubting, they will try to fix you. They will quote verses at you. They will tell you to pray more, read more, trust more. And you are trying. You are trying so hard. And it is not working.
It feels scary. Because you do not know what is on the other side. Because you cannot imagine your life without the faith that has defined you. Because you do not know who you are if you are not a Christian, or what you believe if you do not believe this, or what happens to you when you die if the thing you believed turns out not to be true.
It feels like you are going crazy. But you are not. You are awake. You are asking questions that should be asked. You are refusing to pretend. And that takes courage, even though it does not feel like courage. It feels like fear.
You Are Not Alone
Here is something I need you to hear. You are not alone. This is happening to more people than you know. It is happening right now, in churches around the world, to people who sit next to you, to people who lead Bible studies, to people who pray before meals and go to worship every Sunday.
They are not talking about it because they are afraid. Just like you. And that silence is killing them. Just like it might be killing you.
I want to break that silence. I want to tell you that what you are going through is human. It is normal. It is difficult. And it might be the most important thing that ever happens to you.
Because here is what I have learned. Sometimes faith has to fall apart before it can be rebuilt. Sometimes the versions of God we were given do not work anymore. Sometimes the church hurt us too much. Sometimes the questions got too big. And sometimes, the only way through is to let it all fall apart and see what remains.
This series is not going to try to convince you to believe again. It is not going to argue you back into faith. It is not going to tell you that your questions are wrong or your doubts are sins. It is going to do something more important. It is going to sit with you in the mess.
Tomorrow, we are going to talk about what happens when the foundation cracks. What beliefs are you left with when the ones you built on start to give way? It is a hard question, but it is one worth asking.
Name the Trigger
What triggered this crisis for you? Was it a specific event? A long accumulation? A question you could not answer? A wound that would not heal? Take a moment to name what started this. Sometimes understanding the cause helps you understand the process.
- What specific event or accumulation started my faith crisis?
- How has this deconstruction affected my relationships?
- What am I most afraid of right now?
- What would I want someone to tell me if they understood what I am going through?
- How does it change things to know I am not alone in this experience?
- What would I tell someone else going through what I am going through?
- Is there something I have been afraid to admit to myself?
What is the specific thing I am most afraid of losing if my faith continues to deconstruct? Is it relationships?Is it identity? Is it purpose? Is it eternity? Name the fear honestly. Sometimes the thing we are most afraid of losing is not actually what we love most.
Father, I come to you tonight feeling lost and confused. My faith is shaking and I do not know what to believe anymore. I confess that I feel alone in this, like no one understands what I am going through.
Help me to know that what I am feeling is real and valid. Give me the courage to keep asking questions. Give me the strength to stay in the process even when it feels unbearable. Surround me with people who will not judge me or try to fix me.
Help me to trust that you are with me even when I cannot feel your presence. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Whatever you are feeling right now, it is okay. You are not alone in this. You are not losing your mind. You are waking up to something new, and that is hard, but it is also the beginning of something that could be beautiful.
With honesty and hope,
Claire