We have all used them. These phrases that come out of our mouths when someone shares their pain, their struggle, their difficulty. They are our default. They are our programmed response. They are the spiritual vocabulary we have learned to use when we do not know what else to say.
It will work out. All things work together for good. God is in control. Just have faith. This is just a season. God has a plan. He will never leave you. Trust His timing.
We have a whole library of these phrases. They come out automatically. They are our spiritual auto-response.
But I have been wondering: what are these phrases actually doing? Are they helping the person in pain, or are they doing something else entirely?
The Vocabulary of Avoidance
Let me name some of the phrases we use. See if any of them sound familiar:
"It will all work out." We use this when we do not know what else to say. It is a promise we cannot make, but we make it anyway.
"All things work together for good." We use this to explain away difficulty. It is a verse we quote to make the pain smaller.
"God is in control." We use this to assert sovereignty over situations that feel out of control. It is our way of saying we do not have to care about the chaos.
"Just have faith." We use this to tell people their struggle is a faith problem. If they had more faith, they would not be struggling.
"This is just a season." We use this to minimize the difficulty. It will not last, so it does not matter.
"God has a plan." We use this to imply purpose in the pain. There is a reason, even if we do not know it.
"He will never leave you." We use this to offer comfort. But it is comfort for us, not for them.
"Trust His timing." We use this to tell people to wait. It is our way of saying we do not have to help now.
These phrases have one thing in common: they are all ways of not sitting with the pain. They are all ways of escaping the difficulty. They are all ways of leaving the one who is hurting alone in their difficulty.
"There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death."
Proverbs 14:12These spiritual phrases appear to be right. They sound spiritual. They sound helpful. They sound like faith. But in the end, they lead to death. They lead to disconnection. They lead to abandonment.
The way that appears to be right is the way of phrases. But the way that is actually right is the way of presence.
What These Phrases Are Actually Doing
Let me tell you what these phrases are actually doing. They are not helping the person who is in pain. They are helping the person who is speaking.
When we offer these phrases, we feel like we have done something. We opened our mouth. We offered wisdom. We did our Christian duty.
But the person who is in pain now has to manage our contribution. They have to pretend to be helped by our phrase. They have to say thank you for our meaningless words. They have to move on from their pain to address our help.
These phrases let us off the hook. They give us something to do so we do not have to do the hard thing: stay.
Here is what each phrase is actually saying:
"It will all work out" is actually saying: "I do not want to sit here. I want you to stop hurting so I can feel better."
"All things work together for good" is actually saying: "Your pain is not that bad. There is a reason, so it does not matter."
"God is in control" is actually saying: "I do not have to care about this chaos because Someone Else is in charge."
"Just have faith" is actually saying: "Your struggle is a faith problem, not a real problem."
"This is just a season" is actually saying: "Your difficulty is temporary, so it does not matter that much."
"God has a plan" is actually saying: "Someone Else is in charge, so I do not have to help."
"He will never leave you" is actually saying: "I might leave, but He will not. So you do not need me."
"Trust His timing" is actually saying: "I do not have to help now. Wait for Someone Else."
None of these phrases are actually helping. They are all ways of leaving. They are all ways of escaping.
The Problem With Phrases
The problem with phrases is that they are easy. Anyone can say them. They require no presence. They require no staying. They require nothing of us except opening our mouth.
But the person who is in pain does not need our phrases. They need our presence. They need our staying. They need our sitting with them in the difficulty.
Phrases are fast. Presence is slow. Phrases are easy. Presence is hard. Phrases let us off the hook. Presence keeps us on the hook.
We would rather say phrases than be present. Phrases are easier. Phrases are more comfortable. Phrases do not require anything from us.
But presence is what helps. Presence is what heals. Presence is what the person who is hurting actually needs.
"We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up."
Romans 15:1-2Notice what we are supposed to do. We are supposed to bear with the weak. Not fix the weak. Not give the weak a verse. Bear with them.
This means staying. This means being present. This means carrying their burden, not giving them a phrase about carrying.
We are supposed to build them up. Not with words. With presence. With staying.
The Alternative to Phrases
So what do we do instead of phrases? Let me offer some alternatives:
Stay. Actually stay. Do not offer words and then leave. Remain present.
Listen. Listen more than we speak. Let them tell their story.
Ask. Ask what they need. Do not assume what will help.
Sit. Be okay with silence. Be okay with not knowing what to say.
Be present. Just be there. Not doing anything. Just being.
Notice none of these are impressive. None of them give us something to feel good about. But they are what actually helps.
This is the alternative to phrases: presence. Not fixing. Not solving. Just being there.
Try This Today
Think of a time someone offered you a spiritual phrase when you were in real pain. What did you actually need? Did the phrase help, or did you need something else? Now think of a time someone sat with you in your pain without trying to fix it or phrase it. What difference did that make?
The Invitation to Presence
We are invited to something better than phrases. We are invited to presence. We are invited to stay in the hard thing with the person who is going through it, to sit in the difficulty without trying to rush it or fix it.
This kind of presence produces what phrases never can: connection, relationship, real help.
When we stop offering phrases, we free people to actually receive help. We free them to be real, to struggle, to not understand.
This is the better way. It costs us more. It requires us to stay when staying is hard, to sit when sitting is all we have to offer, to be present when presence is all we can give. But it produces something that phrases never can: real connection, real healing.
Let us be people who stay. Let us be people who offer presence instead of phrases. Let us be people who actually help instead of just appearing to help.
"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
Galatians 6:2The law of Christ is to carry burdens, not to quote verses about burdens. To carry means to be there. To carry means to stay. To carry means to be present in the heaviness.
Father, forgive me for the times I have offered phrases instead of presence. Forgive me for the times I have used spiritual language to escape instead of stay. Teach me to stay instead of speak. Teach me to be present instead of impressive. Help me to actually help instead of just appearing to help. Remind me that presence is the thing, not words. In Jesus name, Amen.
With honesty and hope,
Claire