Let him lead me to the banquet hall, and let his banner over me be love.
Song of Solomon 2:4 (NIV)Song of Solomon 1-4
1 Peter 3:7
Ephesians 5:21-33
You Cannot Flip a Switch
There is an irony in Christian sexual ethics that almost nobody talks about. We spend the years before marriage telling young people that sex is dangerous, that temptation is everywhere, that their bodies are a battlefield, that they must guard their purity at all costs. And then on the wedding night, we expect them to flip a switch and suddenly sex is beautiful, natural, and effortless.
That is not how the human brain works. You cannot spend years building walls and expect them to dissolve because you signed a marriage license.
You Are Not Broken
If you are married and sex is hard for you, if it feels awkward or uncomfortable or even terrifying, you are not broken. You are responding exactly the way someone would respond who was trained to fear the very thing they are now supposed to enjoy.
The Banner of Love
The most erotic book in the Bible does not start with performance. It starts with safety. Let his banner over me be love. Not lust. Not urgency. Not expectation. Love. The banner. The thing that covers everything else. If sex does not happen under the banner of love, safety, and mutual care, it is not biblical sex. It is just mechanics.
A Beginning, Not a Performance
The wedding night is not a test. It is not a performance. It is not the moment you have been working toward your entire life. It is a beginning. And beginnings are supposed to be slow, awkward, and full of learning. That is not a failure. That is how it is supposed to work.
Learning a New Language
Here is what I want married people to hear. If sex is difficult for you, it is not because you are bad at it. It is because you are learning a new language after years of being told not to speak. Your body needs time. Your mind needs time. Your emotions need time. And your spouse needs to know that patience is not rejection. It is love in its most practical form.
Many Christian couples struggle with physical intimacy in the early years of marriage. Not because they lack love. Because they lack permission to be slow. To be awkward. To laugh when things do not go as planned. To say I am not ready yet without it being interpreted as a personal rejection.
God Is Not in a Hurry
God is not in a hurry. He never was. And He does not expect your physical intimacy to be perfected on day one. He expects you to be kind to each other while you figure it out. That is the standard. Not performance. Kindness.
Ask the Question
If you are married, ask your spouse one question about your physical intimacy that you have been afraid to ask. Then listen without defending.
- What messages about sex did I grow up with that still affect me?
- What do I need from my spouse to feel safe?
- How can I be more patient with myself and my spouse?
- Am I giving myself permission to be slow and awkward?
- Do I treat my spouse pace with patience?
- Am I willing to have honest conversations about sex?
If you are married, ask your spouse this question: What is one thing about our physical intimacy that you have been afraid to tell me? And then listen. Do not defend. Do not explain. Just listen. The answer will tell you more about your marriage than any premarital questionnaire ever could.
God, help me to be patient with myself and my spouse as we learn to be intimate. Give us the courage to have honest conversations. Teach us to prioritize safety and kindness over performance. Remind us that beginnings are supposed to be slow. And thank You that You are not in a hurry with us. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Slow is not a failure. It is wisdom. And the God who made sex is not frustrated by your learning curve. He is cheering you on, not because you perform perfectly, but because you are willing to learn together.
Day 6. Slow is not a failure.
With honesty and hope, Claire