For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15 (NIV)Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV)The Myth of "Forgive and Forget"
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that forgiveness means forgetting, I could retire. The phrase forgive and forget is not in the Bible. Not once. Not even close. It is a cultural invention, a nice-sounding platitude that makes the person saying it feel better and the person hearing it feel impossible to achieve.
You cannot forget what someone did to you. Your brain does not work that way. The memory is there. The wound is real. And pretending it is not does not help anyone.
What Forgiveness Actually Is
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is not saying what they did was okay. Forgiveness is not pretending you are not hurt. Forgiveness is releasing your right to make them pay for what they did. That is all. And that is everything.
What Forgiveness Is Not
Forgiveness is not saying the thing that happened was not a big deal. It was a big deal. It matters. God sees it. Your pain is not exaggerated.
Forgiveness is not trusting the person again. Trust is earned. Forgiveness is a decision you make alone. Trust is a bridge that requires two people to build. You can forgive someone and never let them near you again.
Forgiveness is not forgetting. You will remember. The scar will remain. But a scar is not an open wound. A scar is healed tissue. It is proof that something broke and your body worked to close it.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. You can forgive an abuser and never speak to them again. You can forgive a liar and never believe them again. Forgiveness does not require access to your life. It requires releasing the debt.
The Account Holder
Think about the person you are holding a grudge against. Right now, in your mind, you are still charging them interest on what they did. Every time you replay the memory, every time you rehearse the conversation you wish you had, every time you imagine them finally understanding what they did to you, you are adding another charge to their account. Find one person and close the account today.
- Who am I still charging interest to?
- What does it cost me to keep the account open?
- What am I confusing forgiveness with?
- What would releasing this debt look like?
- Am I holding someone accountable because God called me to, or because I want to be the judge?
- What would it mean to hand the ledger over to God?
- Can I separate forgiveness from reconciliation?
- Is my anger warming me or burning the house down?
Lord, I confess I have been trying to be both the victim and the judge. I have been carrying a debt that was never mine to carry. Help me release this account to You. You are the only one who can carry the weight of true justice. I am done. In Jesus' name, Amen.
He is asking you to stop carrying the weight of someone else's debt. That is all. And it is enough.
With honesty and hope, Claire